OK, so we made it back alive from Chena Hot Springs, where we went with our niece Serena and her friend Andy for an overnighter. We’ve been in Alaska for about 3 years now and had heard about the place (I’m sorry, “RESORT”) not to raving reviews, but “worth a look,” they said. We had’t bothered going there. The Resort is about 58 miles east off the Steese Highway out of Fairbanks and takes a little over an hour via the Chena Hot Springs Road (it’s at the end of the road, naturally). So, with moderating temperatures in the forecast (our friends at the National Weather Service said it was going to be a cool -10 to -20F), we made reservations for the evening in the “Family Suite” and took off. I should have known better that any place with most of the literature in Japanese Kanji would probably be a tourist nightmare and wildly expensive, but we were trying to show our relatives a good time - which is sometimes difficult in outback Alaska during the winter...
With Grandma, Matt, the niece and boyfriend in tow, Shawna and I fired up our FJ (Troopy is in for the winter getting upgrades) and Jeep respectively and headed out. The road from Fairbanks was normal for Alaska during the winter, covered in about an inch of solid ice with slightly better areas of packed snow. We kept the speed down to 50 or 60 to be safe.
Arriving at the Resort we checked in (the room wasn’t ready, of course) and took a tour of the Ice Museum. Formally the “Ice Hotel,” it was recently closed by the Fairbanks Fire Marshal for, - get this - lack of fire extinguishers! Quite an amazing structure, cooled by the action of ammonia and pumped water from the hot springs itself and kept at a balmy +20F, it contained some amazing sculptures, the “Aurora Ice Bar” where they sold Appletinis for $10 each as well as the 4 individual rooms you used to be able to rent (en suite with carved ice toilets...I know, don’t go there... see the photo below). Worth a look, but at $12 each for entry and a 10 minute tour it was a bit pricey. We soon noticed this to be a common theme with the resort...
We checked in to our room and found it to be a bit rustic. I think the last time it had been renovated was probably when Sarah Palin was a toddler, but we weren’t planning on spending much time there anyway, which was good as the TV didn’t work, you couldn’t turn the heat down from BROIL and the beds had the feel of petrified wood. We made reservations for 8 pm that night for the Aurora Viewing Extravaganza and Sushi Tasting Tour and sauntered over to the restaurant for a real Alaskan meal. We had the Chena Hot Springs version of fish and chips, with previously frozen halibut and Food Services of America “Bag ‘O Fries,” served with a small ramekin of commercial cole slaw. At $19.50 it certainly wasn’t a bargain even in Alaska, but shipping potatoes and cabbage to Alaska in the winter obviously was an expensive proposition and those excessive costs were being passed on to the consumer. Either that or they got the veggies for cheap out of their “renewable energy greenhouse” and were ripping us off (along with many, many Japanese tourists). Since I know the price of food at Sam’s Club in Fairbanks (hey - we’re REAL Foodies), I’m inclined to the latter.
We showed up for our Aurora Viewing Fantastic Magical Mystery Tour and packed into their “Activity Center,” which reminded me of the back of a auto repair shop and was decorated with 10 foot long wood sticks and assorted Alaskana pilfered from local yard sales and going-out-of-business auctions in south Fairbanks. A significant portion of the immense restaurant profits were obviously being spent on printing costs for Chena Hot Springs Japanese language brochures, which regaled every nook and cranny of the Center. The whole place had the ambiance of a dentist’s waiting room in Yokohama. We fit in nicely.
The family, along with 50 or 60 of the most seriously dressed-for-the-Arctic-in- shiny-ski-pants Japanese tourists, were then packed into Sno-Cats like so much frozen sea food and unceremoniously driven up to the top of a nearby hill for quote, “The Awesome Viewing,” unquote. The tracked Sno-Cats had a cab and enclosed trailer - and we got to pack into the trailer. There was a futile attempt to heat the trailer, but I have a sneaking suspicion that the heat remained in the cab with the driver. After a bone jarring 30 minute ride and in complete darkness we arrived at pre-set up Yurts at the top of the hill. The Yurts, which looked like small circus tents, were designated as our shelters for the evening since this was a 5 hour Viewing and you would surely freeze to death in much less than that time. I suppose the Resort’s Legal Staff were engaged on THAT decision. Nothing like hundreds of frozen foreign tourists frozen to death on the side of your adjacent “Viewing Area” to ruin the ambiance of the place - and it might affect your quarterly profits!
We all popped out of our frozen food trailers and, anxious to see the Aurora, strained our necks around. Many stars, no Aurora. It would be “out soon” we were told, as if immense charged particle physics displays could be summoned on command. Maybe the owners of Chena Hot Springs were more powerful beings than we had surmised, but more likely I think it was the guides figuring out what to tell 60 pissed off people at the top of a hill in remote Alaska in the dead of winter at -25F below when the “Viewing” they just paid $70 each to see didn’t appear, but I could be wrong...
We all huddled in the Yurts (there were two set up) and tried in vain to get warm. I tried to engage the Japanese tourists in a rousing sing-along melody of recent Broadway show tunes, but they just sat there, dejected, and chattered their teeth in their local language (not really, but they did look rather sad, sitting there bundled up and staring at the propane heaters wondering why they’d left Tokyo). Unfortunately, no one at the Resort had thought to send someone up the hill prior to our arrival to (1) light up some lanterns, (2) turn on the propane heaters, and (3) heat up some water for hot beverages. So, we sat around for 45 minutes waiting for the above to happen. Oh, did I mention that it was -25F below zero?
With periodic checks outside to see if “It” was happening yet, we entertained our intrepid group by telling bawdy jokes and periodically pointing at the tourists and whispering. After about 2 hours we were finally regaled with The Appearance of the Aurora! Since our family had seen the Aurora before we weren’t expecting much but we were hoping for a spectacular show for our niece and her beau. No such luck, with the Aurora appearing as a faint, fuzzy smudge on the northern horizon. I’ve seen better light shows with green Break-N-Shake plastic light sticks by kids at my door on Halloween, but I’ve BEEN AROUND, if you know what I mean...
I realized you can’t command Mother Nature regardless of whether you own a resort and charge $70 bucks a head or not. At least not in Alaska, by God!
Humbled by nature’s refusal to acknowledge the exorbitant amount we just spent to see her vastly hyped nightly light show, we stayed inside most of the time with quick peeks outside to see if the Aurora had turned on yet, but to no avail. At about 1:30am the guides finally decided to put us out of our misery and take us back to our rooms. We bundled back into the Sno-Cats for our trek back down the hill. We were given a different trailer this time with no semblance of heat at all. It reminded me of being packed into a washing machine’s agitation cycle inside a walk-in freezer, although at 0F a walk-in freezer would have been much warmer! After 30 minutes of some of the coldest conditions I’ve been in Alaska (no kidding), we got dumped back out at the Activity Center and the Japanese tourists were led away in a group to slowly thaw and regain their legendary stoic composure. As I was exiting from our very own Frozen Food Locker (on tracks no less!) I told the driver that the heater wasn’t working in the back. He responded, “Oh yeah, wow - someone else said that!” Indicating that the blue tinge to all our faces was probably a common sight and part of the Viewing Experience... Did I mention this was $70 bucks each?
After an overheated night in the Family Suite (they can’t seem to get a handle on temperatures at the Resort - must be all that hot water to use up) we awoke and all took showers in a single stall the size of a suitcase. I’ve had more room in the shower of our ’24 travel trailer, where I had to literally open the bathroom door to turn around (I’m kinda a big guy). Our niece and friend decided to take a dog sled ride and we all found our way over to the kennels...
Actually, we smelled them long before we arrived and heard the raucous dogs from the Resort compound itself. With over 75 dogs, the Chena kennel is one of the larger kennels around and is manned by a friendly staff of mostly early 20-something girls WHO LOVE DOGS, and proudly show it by shoveling frozen poop all day - probably for less than minimum wage - or “for the experience,” as many Alaskan employers tell their starry-eyed Lower-48 candidates.
Anyway, niece and friend had a nice ride of about 15 minutes in a cargo sled for about $60 each. Lets see, that’s about $8 a minute - or $480 an hour! I’d run the damn course myself with a sled strapped to my ass for $480 an hour! I’d probably enjoy the dog food more than the faire at the Resort Restaurant. It would be an experience to watch the 20-somethings out in the cold scooping up my frozen poop too! I’ll have to call and set up an interview next week. I’ll tell them I’m a female from the lower 48 looking for “the experience.”
Afterwards we checked out and departed, surviving our one and only foray into the magical world of the Chena Hot Springs Resort. Next time I’ll come back as a young Japanese tourist (they are heavily marketed to come and, uh, reproduce under the Aurora to hopefully pop out male babies). They seem to all have more fun...
At least that’s what I’ve heard.
PS - You’re probably wondering why I haven’t mentioned anything about the “Hot Springs” part of the Resort. We took a look at the pool area and I think the combination of 500 Japanese tourists cavorting in the hot water, the overwhelming smell of rotten eggs, the admonition on the brochure not to enter the water “with open sores, communicable diseases, or other skin problems” and the adjacent pond with many live ducks (who knows where THEY’VE BEEN...) kind of nixed our ideas of watersports for this trip. Maybe next time.
Hasta La Vista...